You Know What Kills Me?

You know what kills me?  Well, actually lots of things CAN kill me.  I mean, a car careening down the street out of control could hit me with a violent force.  Or I could be eating something laced with arsenic, like almond cookies for instance.   That would definitely kill me.  So would basting my entire body in sweet and sour sauce and throwing myself to a pack of cannibals who have been living underground for generations and have become like freaky albino mole rat looking things with greasy hair and hollowed out eyes…..

Right; note to self, it might be a good time to call the doctor and them up the dosage.  Addendum to the note: I don’t have a doctor, so it might be a good idea to find one.  Post script to the addendum, time to lay off the caffeine Rob, you are starting to have conversations with yourself….

I had a series of conversations with someone over the past few days that really made me wonder what the hell non-Pagans (muggles) think we do when we do what it is that we do.  This person had some really ingrained stereotypical crap ideals about what magick is and how we practice it.  While the following is not necessarily for Pagans, I hope that my following rant at least brings a chuckle or two.  Because I think we have all met this type of person before.

The following is actually based on things this muggle said to me in our conversations.  Also, the rants contained they are just that – rants.  That being said, there MIGHT be a little bit of truth to some of my viewpoints in there.  Just a teeny tiny bit; I swear.

1) Pagans are Satanists.  Yeah.  Out of the gate, my brain has already exploded and sprayed cherry pie on the wall behind me.  Gods!  While this was one of the last things this person said to me before I verbally rendered their brain asunder, I thought that this was one of the most telling thing that a muggle could believe Pagans are about.  Here’s the thing, it wasn’t like she even had a grip on what Satanists are even all about either.  To her, they were just “evil” and that they “practiced evil” and of course the ubiquitous “human sacrifice”.  I of course had to ask where this student of the “occult” got her “information” from and she said from her narrow-minded Christian Fundamentalist mother.  Well, that’s fucking special.  It’s good to see that the bible beaters are so knowledgeable – perhaps I should arrange an interfaith workshop with her mother’s church.

And truth be told, normally I politely challenge the misconceptions and work to replace the hate with tolerance and understanding.  Except in this case it just wasn’t possible because I was confronted by indisputable proof of just how wrong I was via the Pythagorean Theorem.   According to this young woman Satanists were “evil” through the following logical proof: Satan is evil (A squared), therefore (plus) Satanists worship evil (B squared), hence (equals) Satanists are evil (C squared).  That’s right, who knew that the equation to find the hypotenuse of a right triangle could be used to help deduce associated qualities to come to a quantifiable conclusion!  I don’t know about you, but just writing what happened is making me want to blow the back of my head off!

Now, I’m not a pro Satanist.  I’m pro what gets you through the fucking day.  If that happens to be your particular brand of Vodka then so be it.  Honestly, this unintelligent dribble made me wish for the halcyon days of yore when I walked around in a pretty much drunken stumble.  That way, whenever I encounter situations like this I don’t feel like their lowered intelligence and perception is bringing down the quality of the human race’s gene pool.

2) Which is a more accurate representation of how magick works: The Craft or Practical Magick?  Yep!  Thank you very fucking much Hollywood for sensationalizing magick!  You have given so much hope to overly psychotic and delusionary people everywhere!  Thanks a million!

Truth be told, I would love it if more and more witches walked around in naughty schoolgirl outfits on a regular basis.  Stockings and Mary Janes….what?!  I’m a guy! I have needs!  DON’T JUDGE ME!!!  That would be hot as hell, and even though I find it hard to keep the flow of my rant moving now, but seriously thank you Hollywoodfor creating a view of Pagans that is just way off base.

I know that these are what people see in the movies and that majority of the people in the world can distinguish between the sexy fantasy and reality,the person whom I was engaged in heavy discourse could not.  She really thought that witches do things like jump off of their rooftops every Halloween, or Sam Hane as she was so studious to offer.  Sigh, anyone else need a drink yet?

3) Becoming a (insert Pagan path here) will make me a God!  How was that drink?  Why don't you get another one and make it a double.  I'll meet you in the next paragraph.

Yep, this person believes that magick will make you a God.  I really don't have anything to add anything to this ridiculously brilliant statement; it pretty much speaks volumes. 

So, in closing...AAAAAAAHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHH!