Let's just start this by saying that unequivically that the year 2012 blew monkey testicles. Seriously, all bullshit aside, I'm fucking amazed that I haven't jumped off a bridge yet from just how sublimely fucked up 2012 was. Let's see a year in review, shall we?
I was working for a dying cellular company that gave exactly zero fucks to good solid buisness ideals and instead celebrated stupidity and asskissing like it was more prescious than life itself and a making myself crazy trying to convinence my bosses how we could change the direction of our sinking ship. Due to my diligence, dedication and loyality to help better serve my corporate masters I was rewarded with being let go and treated like I committed a treasonable offence. I mean, when they sacked me they lead me to a "security" room that in the two years I worked there I didn't even know that it exisisted and once their they wanted me to give my corporate phone with my personal information over and they would'nt even let me erase it. I even commented why did they need my daughter's cell phone number or the private text messages with members of my coven? The only answer that they could give was "it was theirs now".
Whatever, there was a part of me that was glad that I got sacked from their. I was unemployed for exactly three weeks and I fell ass backwards into sales job with another cell phone company, however I knew in advance that these people were the souless eat your life type of company, so I really wasn't too suprised when I became a stranger in my house. But, truth be told, I had very little choice. I mean, being on unemployment for the like three weeks I was on it completely fucked up the family's financial solvency for like three months! So when the Gods through me into my new job, I shut the fuck up and made the deal with the devil and took it.
Don't get me wrong, this job blows assholes. I'm on my feet all day cause there are no chairs to sit down in, even when there are no customers in the the store. It's playing wonders on my all ready crippled feet. I'm in pain all day long and as I try to shift to get some kind of relief it only makes my knees and back all fucked up. This job will put me in the wheelchair that I've been trying to avoid for many a year.
Then all the while was my trying to balance and keep afloat the coven that I was priesting in. The people that I was working with well, and they might particularly disagree with me, fucked me. Basically went out of their way to make things for me a living fucking hell and when I finally snapped and went ballistic about everything they were - shocked! As if I was suppose to just be ok with people who wanted to be leaders turn into spineless jellyfish only conserned with their own assess. I haven't been back since my explosion and I'm not sure that I will be. Not because I don't want to go back, but because the pain of everything is really just too great.
Let's move on to something else "wonderful" about 2012. I found love. And then had my heart blown into about twenty thousand pieces. Cause you know, I needed another gallon of bullshit pilled on my back. The worse thing about the whole thing was the person that I was with had just got out of a relationship where she had her heart shotgunned. Perhaps that's just how we human beings heal - by causing the same kind of hurt we feel on others. Nice.
So, where has that put me? Well, all bullshit aside I have had the very large urge to do a fuck ton of self chemical medication. Cause I'll be honest with you: I am at my breaking point. I'm really sure that if everything keeps going the way that it does for me, I will be off to the funny farm or the morgue very soon. I'm very depressed and very much unable to process anything I'm feeling except for anger and sadness. I am the perverbale powder keg waiting to explode and frankly I've had enough of this shit.
Here's what I've decided to do about it. I have come to the realization that a majority of this happened because I didn't exactly express how I felt about a situation or what I really thought. Mainly this was because I was typically trying to keep the peace or maintain someone else's concept of how a particular situation should go down or be recieved. I thought that I was always doing the servent leader thing by placing the needs of those around me ahead of my own. Well that was fucking dumb.
The new deal is this: I will be speaking everything that is on my mind on a regular basis. I will be telling people exactly what I think when I think it. There will be no more filter for other's feelings. I have had enough. If you can't fucking deal with it, fuck off. Chances are if you are reading this and have a problem with any of this I either don't know you, we don't see eye to eye anymore, or you have never really known me from the start.
This isn't to say that I'm not going to be polite or have manners or decorum. I'm a pretty civilized guy when it comes down to it. What this does mean is, I'm not going to suffer people's bullshit anymore. You will either be in the business of being cool with me, or you will be in the business of staying the fuck out of my way.
So mote it be!
